UNDERSTANDING THE VALUE OF SELF-WORTH AND IT’S IMPORTANCE IN THE LIFE OF YOUNG ADULTS

The biggest problem among our youth today is low self-worth.

Many young people today are saying things like:

“I’m worthless

“I’m a loser”

“I don’t feel accepted for who I am”

“I don’t feel free to be myself”   

“No one understands me”

“I can’t”

Low self-confidence and belonging

These feelings of low self-worth also produce feelings of low self-confidence and a lack of belonging. It’s interesting to note that people with high intelligence sometimes have low self-confidence, this is because confidence comes from the way that we feel about ourselves.

Unfortunately, these feelings come from young people who feel judged by society, their parents, and the older generation.

If you hear statements like these from your loved one you can begin to address them with some questions.

Creating Safe Space for your loved one to be open about their feelings

But first, let’s make sure that we are creating a safe place for our loved one to be open about their feelings. This is done when we replace judgmental listening with active listening or non-judgmental listening. This happens when active listening occurs, because we are listening to learn. It’s listening with a purpose. This might take some getting used to, but it’s the answer to best address this crisis.

The goal of listening is to learn

Now, if you’re wondering if your loved one is suffering from a low self-worth, you can start by asking them how they feel about themselves. Remember, the goal is to learn.

So, here are a couple of questions to help you get started.

1. Can you tell me how you feel about yourself?

2. If that is too broad, then try asking, can you tell me what better describes the way

that you feel about yourself - feel feelings of worthlessness or valued and loved?

They may answer with a little of both and that’s OK, because the goal is to move towards feeling valued and loved, and this will give us a gauge as to where they are on the valued and loved spectrum.

Identifying the source of our loved one’s self worth

Next, we can begin to help our loved one understand that these feelings are coming from the wrong source.

For example, your loved one might feel worthless because they are being bullied at school. In this case, their fellow students are their self-worth source. We should point out the danger of getting our self-worth from the judgemental actions of their peers and show the importance of getting their self-worth from their uniqueness and inherent value as a human being and not from how others feel about them.  You see, many young people today feel worthless because they are an outsider. Maybe they feel like they don't fit in because they're not on the soccer team or because they don't get good grades in school, maybe they feel socially awkward or maybe they believe that they are ugly.

Low self-worth is learned

Now, once we get some feedback, we can begin to guide our loved one in unlearning and finding ways for them to feel better about themselves. You see, feelings of worthlessness are learned, coming from an interpretation of a previous event or a series of events, like the scenarios I mention above, or possibly its neglect, abandonment, or abuse.

The trauma from these situations can last for decades, but there’s hope, because they have folks like you who are willing to do anything to love and support them, and to help walk them through their pain.

You are an integral part of your loved one’s recovery and you’re a rockstar for being there for them!

What does feeling valued and loved look like for your loved one?

The best way to help your loved one move toward a place of feeling valued and loved is to ask them what feeling valued and loved might look like. Many might say they don’t know, and that’s ok, because that’s where we come in. You see, we can help them craft their story of feeling valued and loved. and the best way to do that is to see if there’s a time or a place in the past where they felt good about themselves.

Once we have a rough sketch of a picture, then we can use those dynamics to put together a value statement.

For example, my friend Diane feels good about herself when she spends time with her dad.

So, I encouraged her to spend more time with him as a way to fill her value cup with positive experiences and affirmations. Because, sometimes us dad’s just love our kids because they're our kids!  I also asked specifically what it is that her dad does that makes her feel valuable, and she said that he just listens and doesn’t judge her. That’s what non-judgemental listening in action looks like as it creates a safe space for Diane to be heard and validated, which produces feelings of being valued and loved.

This also makes them feel special.

Here’s two more questions to help you partner with your loved one as they reframe how they feel about themselves.

Why am I this way?

How can I be different?

For some, it’s really important to know “why am I this way” and for others, they just want to move forward with change.

Allow your loved one to take the lead

Feel free to allow your loved one to take the lead by deciding which question will best serve them on their journey, and for some, it could be answering both questions.

If your loved one wants to know why they feel the way that they do, start by asking them about their past.

Here’s a series of questions to help you excavate and discover what could be the root cause.

1. Can you tell me how I can best support you on this journey in finding the source or root

cause?

2. Can you tell me when the pain started?

3. Can you tell me more about that event?

4. Can you tell me how you felt when it was happening?

5. Can you tell me how you feel now?

6. Can you tell me what change might look like?

7. Can you tell me how reframing how the event made you feel might look like?

The answers to these questions will provide information that will help your loved one better understand why they feel the way that they do.

The next step is where we come alongside our loved one and begin to help them reframe these events and gain the proper interpretation.

Because trauma does not define you; and it’s not where we get our self-worth.

Double abuse

We must also consider that there might be some double abuse.

Double abuse occurs when our loved one opens up about the abuse to a family member or someone from their spiritual community, and the feelings from the original abuse are either dismissed or they’re watered down.  This causes more pain and often our loved one responds by internalizing what happened and they no longer want to open up about it, which further delays getting them the help and support that they deserve.

Unhealthy behavior

Now, let’s take a look at unhealthy behavior.

Many people who support their loved one suffering from trauma or a mental health condition focus on the unhealthy behavior that follows, like isolation, outbursts of anger or destructive behavior.

While behavior matters, and is often harmful, we must be disciplined and focus on finding the root cause.

Getting to the root cause

You see, behavior comes from thoughts and thoughts come from the interpretation of previous events. So, when we focus on the interpretation of previous events we are beginning to address the root cause.

Another example is when we see parents pushing their child to get a job and the success is very low because the root cause is low self-worth, and not necessarily an inability to get a job.

You see, when the root cause is low self-worth, our loved one is in a place where they don’t care if they get a job or even if they have housing and even worse they may not want to live.

Because the way people feel about themselves determines their actions, their community involvement, and their overall performance in life.

So, what should our approach be?

Rather than focusing on pushing our loved one to do something they don’t want to do, like getting a job; how about we start by addressing the way our loved one feels about themselves?

We do that by moving away from trying to fix or being demanding about asking them to get a job and we begin to build them up. We can build them up by reminding them of previous successes.

Rember, someone who has high intelligence may have low confidence, and that low self-confidence comes from a low self-worth.

Addressing low self-worth and low self-confidence at the same time

We do this by finding things that our loved one can do and things that help them to feel better about themselves.

For example, one of my clients was in a place where she felt that she didn't have the ability to do anything, so I reminded her that she takes care of her cat and that she does the laundry for the whole family every week.

It’s more about what you do than what you say

So, what does that look like?

How about meeting your loved one for coffee or going for a hike, or maybe a day at the beach would be helpful. Something more active like pickleball, a workout at the gym, or a rigorous bike ride might be a better fit. It’s your loved one’s journey so follow their lead. Be their partner and ask, how about you and I together brainstorm ways for you to start to feel better?

Then you can ask…

Can you tell me what you enjoy doing? Maybe it’s a hobby, like bike riding or playing the guitar.

Dreams and goals

Also, asking them about dreams and goals may help them start to feel valued. It also redirects their thoughts from focusing on their stressors and puts the focus on things they enjoy. It’s very powerful.

The Power of Creativity

Creativity and dreams play a valuable role in our loved one’s journey to feeling valued and loved.

A 21-year-old with feelings of gender dysphoria told me, “creativity puts me in touch with the good things about myself!” Creativity can be anything: from playing the guitar, painting, writing poems or something more active like paddle boarding.

One student that I talked to told me her story of how she saves dying plants. I was so fascinated as I listened to this young girl who struggles with urges to self-harm talk about her accomplishments in saving plants. I finally said to her, “maybe someday I will see you on TV teaching people how to save plants, and she said, “yeah, that’s what my drama teacher says.”  You gotta love the symmetry of her drama teacher and I both being inspired by the way she saves plants, and what a validation - two adults encouraging a young girl to share her talents on TV.

Another young adult told me that she was no longer feeling suicidal because she was living for her dreams and goals..

I always knew I wasn’t a meth dealer

When I asked a 35-year-old how he got off meth,? He said, “I always knew that I wasn’t a meth dealer!”  See the power of self-worth in that statement.? We learn from one author who says, “what we do does not determine who we are, who we are determines what we do.”

So, let’s remind our loved ones of who they really are.

Are you ready to get started?

You see, from their innermost being, your loved one wants to feel better about themselves, and you are an integral part of helping rewrite their story that says, “I am valued and loved”

Excavation and discovery

Notice in my stories, I’m asking questions, to excavate and discover the necessary information to come alongside and guide my friends to a safe place where they can be free to share and then describe what feeling valued and loved looks like for them.

Now it’s your turn

I wish you well as you come alongside your loved one and provide them the love and support that they deserve in their self-worth journey.

You got this!